God help me!

So Cade just left to go back to work...this is the first time I've been left alone with my son for any amount of time. I'm sitting here staring at him wondering, "Now what?" Maybe after today I will feel more confident in my mommy abilities? One can only hope. But how to make it through today is the nagging question.

If you're wondering why I'm so paranoid about being the sole parent in my house, I'll explain. Since the day Nolan was born I've been unable to care for him completely by myself. I was always in too much pain, or on too much medication to really be much help. In the past 2 weeks I've started to recover and am able to do much more than I could, but I'm still not 100%.

I've had a lot of emotional issues since Nolan was born as well. I'm not sure if it's just the normal "baby blues", or if it could be a touch of PPD. I love my son with all of my heart, but I really don't desire to care for him. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore, and at times all I can do is cry. I feel so guilty for having these feelings...to feel like I made a mistake by having him, and wishing I could just be pregnant with him again. When I was pregnant I was able to take care of him by myself without anyone's help. I can't get into the whole diaper thing...I just can't. Sometimes I just want to disappear...

I sit here and watch him sleep and I cringe every time he stirs, in fear he's waking up and I'll have to change or feed him. I can't even pry myself off the couch out of my sleep to do any night feedings. My poor husband. Listen to how horrible I sound...I can't believe what a bad mom I am. I need help. I need to talk to my OB about these issues on Monday at my checkup.

I tried to talk to my mom about my issues and she basically told me to suck it up. I tried to talk to Cade about them, too, and all he can say is "I understand". Bless his heart...he is really trying, but I don't want to hear "I understand". I need someone to have an opinion and tell me what they think about how I feel. If that makes any sense...

Well, my boobs hurt so I need to pump...I'll write again tomorrow.

Look at that face...how can I be so horrible to him? I really should just disappear...