Gonna be a rough Wednesday...

Today's Lesson: Never eat at Taco Bell. EVER.

Yesterday Nolan came down with something and is all stopped up and cranky since he can't really sleep. We took him to the doctor and got some nose drops, since there really isn't any meds they can give a 2 1/2 week old. On the way home we stopped and grabbed some Taco Bell, and I got some soft tacos to save and eat for dinner. Big mistake. After I ate them later that evening my stomach started hurting like crazy. I tossed and turned all night with it and couldn't straighten my body out much less stand up. Cade had to tend to Nolan all night and go to work this morning. I'm such a horrible wife/mom. This morning I finally threw up, but still haven't gotten any relief. God help me. My mom is on her way over to help me with Nolan, the poor thing just now fell asleep after having been awake since 3am. What a day, already. When it rains it pours!!!

Bad Mom.

Ugh I feel like such a bad mom. Cade and I sent Nolan to stay with MIL Saturday night because a friend of ours was having a birthday party and we didn't know when we'd get back. Well while he was there, his cord fell off! And MIL couldn't find it! I was so mad/disappointed that I missed it. I still am. I feel like a bad mom for not being there...and I think his belly button is infected. It's all green and oozy so I've been trying to keep it clean and dry and I have been putting neosporin on it. And BTW, today is the first day Cade is working for a full 12 hours. I'M FKN STARVING! I NEED FOOD! Someone bring me a subway sandwich! I want a $5 foot long!

Milk machine I am no more.

My supply is already tanking...perfect. I haven't pumped in 12 hours and I'm not even engorged. FML. Can I save it?

First hangover in 9 months.

I am one hungover mofo today, folks. I went out with my SIL to a local dance hall called Cherokee last night while Cade stayed home with Nolan and slept. I only had a few vodka and cranberries, but some random guy kept buying our table entire trays of shots. So between the assload of shots, the vodka & cranberries, and the few beers I had at Josh's house, I'm a wreck. I'm sooo exhausted, too. I don't get to go to sleep for a while because I have to meet Cade over at our friend Joey's house for his birthday in a little while. I'm taking Nolan to MIL's for the night so he can go to church in the morning, too. Ugh busy busy me.

Well I survived yesterday thank God. I think I'm more confident in caring for my son, now. Although he didn't blow out his diaper, so I got to skip out on the poopy diaper. I swear that's one thing that I just can't swing...diaper changing. I can do everything else and have no issues, but diapers make me cringe. Why can't babies be born potty trained?

For your viewing pleasure, Nolan grinning yesterday.

God help me!

So Cade just left to go back to work...this is the first time I've been left alone with my son for any amount of time. I'm sitting here staring at him wondering, "Now what?" Maybe after today I will feel more confident in my mommy abilities? One can only hope. But how to make it through today is the nagging question.

If you're wondering why I'm so paranoid about being the sole parent in my house, I'll explain. Since the day Nolan was born I've been unable to care for him completely by myself. I was always in too much pain, or on too much medication to really be much help. In the past 2 weeks I've started to recover and am able to do much more than I could, but I'm still not 100%.

I've had a lot of emotional issues since Nolan was born as well. I'm not sure if it's just the normal "baby blues", or if it could be a touch of PPD. I love my son with all of my heart, but I really don't desire to care for him. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore, and at times all I can do is cry. I feel so guilty for having these feelings...to feel like I made a mistake by having him, and wishing I could just be pregnant with him again. When I was pregnant I was able to take care of him by myself without anyone's help. I can't get into the whole diaper thing...I just can't. Sometimes I just want to disappear...

I sit here and watch him sleep and I cringe every time he stirs, in fear he's waking up and I'll have to change or feed him. I can't even pry myself off the couch out of my sleep to do any night feedings. My poor husband. Listen to how horrible I sound...I can't believe what a bad mom I am. I need help. I need to talk to my OB about these issues on Monday at my checkup.

I tried to talk to my mom about my issues and she basically told me to suck it up. I tried to talk to Cade about them, too, and all he can say is "I understand". Bless his heart...he is really trying, but I don't want to hear "I understand". I need someone to have an opinion and tell me what they think about how I feel. If that makes any sense...

Well, my boobs hurt so I need to pump...I'll write again tomorrow.

Look at that face...how can I be so horrible to him? I really should just disappear...

My Story.

So this will be my introductory entry! I suppose I should have made this blog a long time ago to follow my pregnancy and my recovery postpartum. But I'm a lazy ass, so I'm just now getting around to it! Here's my life story, lol.

I graduated HS in 2004 as a mediocre C student. I was a daydreamer, and spent most of my "study time" working on my artwork for my AP art class or practicing my flute for the many solo, UIL, and marching contests. I've always been more of an artistic/creative person, than a book smart study freak. I had 3 horses then, and spent my weekends at a friend's team roping pen, where I learned to rope and was pretty good at it. I acquired my '95 Ram when I was 16, you'll learn that it was/is a big part of me.

After graduating and entering the college world I sold my horses and was involved in a serious, and mentally abusive relationship for 3 years which robbed me of a lot of self esteem and self confidence. It took me two years to get it back. I sunk into a deep depression, but in some ways it helped me out. Since I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything, all I did was study. Those 3 years of college were not wasted, as I made all A's and B's in all of my classes, and had a steady 3.5 GPA.

In 2007 I wrecked my truck and was unable to return to school. I ended the 3 year relationship, finally, and I entered my "party phase". I spent more days/nights intoxicated than I care (or am able) to remember. I was involved in yet another mentally abusive relationship, but thankfully it only lasted 6 months. I held a job at Baytown Dodge during this time as well. I partied pretty hard until January 2008 when I met my husband, Cade.

Cade and I started seeing each other that January and into March when we made it official. It was pretty much love from the start. I stopped partying so much and started to settle down. Cade is 5 years older than me, and was already in the process. He had a great job, but lacked a bit of direction...as did I. We were exactly what the other needed, and I knew it immediately. We were engaged in January '09, moved into a new house in February '09, conceived our son in May '09, and were married in August '09. We welcomed Nolan Wayne into the world on February 5th and life is amazing so far. I love being a family :)

That's my story, shortened and put bluntly.